Over the past few weeks, I have been going along an intentional self-discovery journey. I have been attempting to not constantly plan my future–which has caused some rather fun panic attacks–but to live in the now. By doing this, I have had the overwhelming urge to dream.
What if I was a Bible major?
What if I was a sociology and gender studies major?
What if I was a business/non-profit major?
What if picked the easiest undergrad major just to get on to grad school?
What if I could do x and y in order to get z?
It was incredibly liberating to dream without feeling the urgency of making a commitment to a practical one by a certain deadline.
I am a full believer in God changing the desires of your heart in order to point you in a different direction; however, I am guilty of having way too many passions to make the easy decision of what path to go down. My fleeting passions make me question my choices even more. Lately I have been focusing a lot on certain social and theological issues that plague our churches and society, which makes me question yet again.
Is my passion just reflecting what “hot” in the blogs I read?
Am I forcing my story to fit into the molded path the ends with me “fixing” these problems?
I am just kidding myself when I say that this is for God’s glory rather than my own?
I have always been one of those people that over thinks everything. It’s why I don’t do well on standardized tests and why I analyze myself and my choices over and over till I have some sort of crisis that either averts my attention or blows the situation out of proportion enough to force me into making a decision (why or not it was the right one.)
When I feel burdened with all this over-analyzing, I often turn to journalling. As I have been dreaming without the weight of realism, my mind has been wandering all over the place…again, I felt the need to turn to journalling. (If you have never journaled, I highly recommend it! It is amazingly cathartic.) After many pages of scribbled notes–and a sore hand–I ended my latest entry with the following statement:
I have very strong opinions and convictions. It’s time that my actions met them.
God uses people all the time in the funniest ways to speak to His beloved children, and today He totally used my hand to speak to me. What an amazing god! Granted, I have no idea what to do with this little tidbit of wisdom, but I can’t wait to mull over it as the days come to pass. I can’t wait to see what path it takes me down.