Almost There

This week has been a rather strange week. I move early Sunday morning but work all week and socialize the rest of the time.

I must admit–I was really nervous about seeing people again. I didn’t know how I would handle saying hi and by in the same conversation. I didn’t know who I would see, what I would say, or how I would be. It has been so good to see familiar faces walk around campus. It was definitely strange to see people that I recognize walk around campus after only seeing strangers stroll around for the entire summer. And while it is overwhelming, the amount of people is in increasing as my nerves increase about leaving this place I have learned to call home.

People ask me how am I and I pretty much refer them to the bipolar scene in Tangled right after Rapunzel leaves her tower for the first time in her life. I am really excited for everyone to come back to campus, and I am excited to follow this new path that God has laid before me, but I am FREAKING OUT about leaving this place. I am going to miss everything about this place. Even the farm across the street from The Villa. Every morning there is mist rolling across the open field that has a beautiful red barn next to a white house. The early morning light refracts through the mist making the ground glow. It takes my breath away each morning (photo below.) I will miss my independence, but I will also miss depending on the Godly women I have been living with throughout the year. Needless to say, this week has been chock full of unwanted mood swings. (Today, I found myself goose-stepping around my desk holding my head saying with wide eyes, “I’m going craaaaaaazzzzzzyyyyyyyy!”) I would like to take this time to apologize to anyone that may have experienced a crazy Emily this week. I hope it was more entertaining than frightening.

If I could stop time, I would for just a little bit. I would spend probably the equivalent of about 10 days being with people–catching up, praying with them, and sharing with them my favorite memories of them. Alas, I am only here for 2 1/2 more days.

The past 2 weeks have gone so fast. It felt like the summer dragged on and on until about the second week of July, and it has just sped by since. All of the sudden it was August. Then it was time for me to choose my last day at work. Then it was my last week of work. And tomorrow is my last day of work. Then my last day in Upland. I have dreaded these last few days because they mean the end of this wonderful chapter. It feels like they are just slipping right by. I turn around and they are suddenly out of my grasp. I reach for them, but they swiftly glide further and further into a past I can see and so desperately want to go back to.

But here I am, incredibly happy to see wonderful people but hating the goodbyes that must leave my lips.

Eventually I will have that big cry that comes with semi-reluctant transitions. Eventually I will be ready to move on–just not yet.

This whole thing is so strange. One minute I am freaking out what the future holds because I have no idea what’s in store for me, and the next I have an incredible peace over me. The past few weeks I have been blessed with an overwhelming peace and contentment. Sometimes I don’t know if I freak out more about leaving or about the possibility of leaving that peace in Indiana. What parts of me are coming back home with me to Pennsylvania?

Upon lots of reflection, I think I am a very different person than I was a year ago when I left home. I was quick to get angry and defaulted to the defensive and was rarely content with just being happy. I have become a much more peaceful person who wants to work towards hard solutions in a positive way. I am a generally happier person. When I would be alone, I would often drift to very dark places that I could rarely climb out of. Now I am in a place where solitude brings about a huge sense of calm . I cannot express in words how much I am thankful for this change. It took lots of work, but it was worth every moment spent journalling and in prayer. It was worth every tear that was shed over my general sadness that seemed to dive into the very deepest parts of me.

But I’m back. The me who has been on vacation for a few years is here and ready to be happy. I am as ready as I can be for this change. With every step I take, I lean completely on the Lord. So thanks to everyone for your support and encouraging words. Your prayer and well-wishes have helped carry me through this week, so thank you for being little blessings (actually rather large blessings) that I am tucking into my heart.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

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